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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

June 2, 2010

Dear Boogie,
I play in a band whose members are located in four different states, and this makes it impossible for us to say where our band is “from.” We play Boston pretty often and for whatever reason, many people have started to think we are a “Boston band.” Now that we’ve gotten a lot of great press saying we’re from Boston and have gathered a decent following I feel like we’re trapped in a lie. What should we do? Sublet an apartment in Somerville? Open up a P.O. Box in Cambridge? Get fake IDs with Brookline addresses? Can we just move in with you? Help!

Sincerely,
I’m Not A Masshole, I Only Play One On TV

Dear INAMIOPOOT,

My pull-out couch is on the fritz (i.e. has crabs), so my pad isn’t an option for you. I’d say as it is with most things, the answer lay in the vast pool of knowledge and wisdom that is my favorite sport: professional wrestling. I’ve got two words for you, my friend:

Parts Unknown.

Your band isn’t from anywhere you can locate on a map! You’re from Parts Unknown! Isn’t that much cooler? It adds an aura of mystery to your background and makes you that much more intriguing. Seriously, which would you rather pay your money to go see – Jim Hellwig from Crawfordsville, Indiana or The Ultimate Warrior from Parts Unknown? (And no, I didn’t have to look up the Ultimate Warrior’s real name or home town. And no, I didn’t date a lot in high school. Thanks for asking.)

Professional wrestling has much to teach us as performers and as human beings. Here are a few other tricks you can learn from pro wrestling that will help your band reach that elusive “next level”:

Have a cool day job. It’s much more marketable for your band to be racecar drivers or plumbers during the day and rocking at night. Be sure to wear your cool racecar driver outfits on stage and give yourself punny names like “Sparky” Plugg.

Retire. A lot. If you have a big retirement show, everyone will come to celebrate your awesomeness. Then, when a masked band that kind of looks a lot like your band shows up at the club down the street the next week, your fans will be excited that they “figured it out.”

Be a heel. In pro wrestling, there is the “babyface” (good guy) and the “heel” (bad guy). While ultimately the babyfaces make all the money, the heels seem to be having more fun. If you decide to be a heel, you can be a complete dick to everyone and just pretend you’re staying in character (or “kayfabe”… ok, I’ll stop now. I want to stuff myself in a locker at this point).  Being a heel opens up new avenues of depraved behavior with little-to-no consequences. People will find it charming and “love to hate” you. It’s terrific. “Brendan knocked you and your sister up and skipped town without paying any child support? Oh, that rascal. He’ll get his when the Macho Man gets a hold of him.”

Do random run-ins. The most exciting part of a wrestling match is when a third party with a grudge charges the ring and gets involved. There’s no reason we can’t integrate this into the music scene. Just show up in the middle of someone’s set and start playing. It will get people talking.

If possible, involve a midget. Actually, this is pretty much good advice for anything in life.

Soundtrack for your misery:

Hallelujah the Hills: “Wave Backwards to Massachusetts” DOWNLOAD

Whatchyou gonna do when the biggest, baddest advice columnist in Boston runs wild on you? Cut a promo on Brendan at dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com.

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