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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

June 9, 2010

Before I begin, let me remind you all that you are the wonderful fuel of dysfunction that keeps this misery train known as Dear Boogie a-chuggin’. I need your letters. Please send them to

Dear Boogie,
Yo BB! How swings the pickle? Tell me soul-bro, What is the most powerful and groovy song that could be considered a “Boogie” when it’s time to get down and shake it with the ladies? Lights are down, candles are burning, and I have to spin a platter to make her a slave to my Vlasic manhood. I tried some Foghat last night, but it was a Slow Ride my man… Help me out here Daddy-O!
Dr. Fuzzy Shackles of the band “Grown Man Naked”

Dear FS, MD,

Well, the first thing you should do in a romantic (or any) situation is eliminate “How swings the pickle?” from your lexicon. It makes people want to poke you in the neck with a curling iron.

For whatever reason, I get quite a few questions of this nature in the ol’ Dear Boogie mail sack. There are a few possible reasons for this:

I) You all think I’m some sort of svengali in the ways of love. (Thanks. I mean, I’m really not, but thanks.)
b) You just like reading my dick jokes and figure the subject matter plus the word “Foghat” will inspire some particularly puerile ones.
3) You all are having a REALLY hard time hooking up with each other.

It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? We’re a bunch of vibrant, attractive people, right? Why is it so complicated?

I blame Facebook. (If you know me, you’ve probably heard this rant before, so buckle up.)

When Facebook first came out way back in the dark ages, they added this stupid “it’s complicated” option for relationship status. I think they probably did it as a half-joke or some marketing thing to flighty twenty-somethings. But sadly, it caught on. “It’s complicated” became an acceptable relationship status, not only on Facebook, but in life. The days of being plain old single became obsolete. As long as you’re not a celibate monk, there’s no such thing as being single anymore. You’re just in some “complicated” thing with someone or another.

People – it’s really not complicated. You’re either dating or you’re not. Be a goddamn grown-up about it.

Facebook should really change the “It’s complicated” status update to “I’m a coward.” You could be either “Single,” “In a relationship,” or “Too much of a coward to date like an adult.” What’s more – you could actually link it to whoever it is you’re “complicated” with – “I’m a coward with Mary Soupcan” or whatever. “Yes, internet – we are both cowards. We’re in our late 20s and regularly seeing each other naked, but neither of us has the courage to actually admit to (gasp) liking the other one. So it’s complicated.” Get on it, Facebook.

Things really aren’t complicated, but we desperately want them to BE complicated. And why? Because we’re bored. The reality is the modern world doesn’t provide too much drama and excitement for us. Unlike our pre-industrial progenitors, our basic needs of food and shelter and safety are essentially taken care of. Most of us don’t have jobs that are much more than a paycheck to maintain our weekend drinking activities and Netflix memberships. We’re bored. So where do we like to create our excitement? In our relationships.

Because when we get into those “happily ever after” relationships we THINK we want, we realize – oh my God, being in a happy, content relationship is pretty boring too! We’re just kind of happy and hanging out. But… this doesn’t feel important at all! But if my “happy” relationship – which society tells me is supposed to be the center of my life and the answer to all my childhood desires – doesn’t feel important, then what IS important? Is my life important at all?

Well, this won’t do at all. Let’s start breaking up and getting back together and making ourselves miserable about our complicated little relationships. Sure, we’re not happy. But at least we’re not bored.

As for your question, Doc – personally, I’ve never gone wrong with Jeff Buckley.

Soundtrack to your misery: Cinnamon Fuzz “Reboot My Heart”

Need your complicated life simplified? Shout out to Brendan at

  1. "Mary Soupcan" – ha – that made me giggle – thanks

  2. This all seems to suggest that you wouldn't want to help me with the song I'm working on, "Everybody's It's Complicated with Somebody Sometime."

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