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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

September 22, 2010

Dear Boogie,

It’s that time of the year again when all the college kids come flooding back to the Boston area, and all the people who live here year-round get all pissy about losing “their town” to the kids.

Thing is, I’ve been both a college kid here and a permanent resident, so I don’t get all the “us vs. them” resentment that people have. In the words of that other guy who got his butt kicked for all of us, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Sincerely,
Just Trying To Bring People Together

Dear Just Trying,

Human nature is funny, isn’t it? Our hatred is remarkably flexible. We spend a lot of time hating those very unlike ourselves such as the Soviets, Muslims, and Snorks born with two snorks (snorks are the hoses on top of Snorks’ heads that allow them to breathe. Or something). But we’re strangely just as likely to slip into a nice comfortable soup of hatred toward people who are very much like us. We absolutely DESPISE the kids from the high school in the town next to us, despite having about 97 million things in common. Did you know that there are a certain number of midgets who actually hate dwarfs and vice versa? You’d think they’d be natural allies. But no – human hatred always wins out. It’s an inspiring and powerful thing.

Tangentially, this is why I am not going to see that new Ben Affleck movie The Town. I am a Bostonian. I grew up around Bostonians. So naturally as a result, I fucking HATE Bostonians. Thus, I hate all movies set in Boston with their stupid accents and superfluousness. I openly rooted for Will Hunting to get in a debilitating car crash on his way to drive off to bone Minnie Driver while Aimee Mann crooned longingly on the soundtrack.

My hatred doesn’t stop there. I hate liberals for being so smarmy while annoyingly agreeing with me. I hate other musicians for taking the shows I book too seriously or not seriously enough. I hate advice columnists for being lame and small-minded except Dan Savage who I hate for being way smarter and funnier than me. I hate everyone that does things the same as me, especially if they do them slightly differently.

Because ultimately, I hate myself. We all do. We hate the things in others that remind us of ourselves. Why do you think so many spray-tanned douchebags totally want to kick The Situation’s ass? He’s a giant smirking orange unflattering mirror into their overwhelming emptiness.

As for the college students that seasonally infest our fair berg, we hate them because we’re not them anymore. They’re young and full of life and have plans and hope and young, firm bodies that they won’t let us see naked anymore. When you hate on them, you hate what you’ve become. Don’t blame them. Just become something different.

Plus, they get their moving trucks stuck under the overpasses on Storrow Drive every fucking September. That’s annoying. Actually, I take that all back. You’re correct to hate college students. And Will Hunting was a college student, sort of. Fuck those guys.

Want to really get back at those college students? Party like them this Friday night at Church. Come join me and some other kickass bands as Boston Band Crush University Presents What’s Your Major 2?: A Comedy and Music Festival celebrating the new school year. Fricka fracka firecracker sis boom bah! Bugs Bunny Bugs Bunny rah rah rah!

Soundtrack to your misery: The Royalty “Move”

http://cache.reverbnation.com/widgets/swf/40/pro_widget.swf

Wow, that was a pretty shameless plug from Brendan this week, wasn’t it? He might as well have thrown in a commercial from Pepsi while he was at it. Tell Brendan the Sellout what’s what by emailing him at dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com or using our college-educated submission form below:

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