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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

September 29, 2010

Dear Boogie,
Even though I’m not part of your precious Boston music scene you hippie elitist, I have a problem that I think only you can solve: I live in Connecticut (perhaps you’ve heard of it… no? well, its about the size of one of those Smart cars, so it’s easy to miss). Anywho, we have a woman running for the US Senate who made her name as the CEO of a very successful professional wrestling organization, one which I spent many childhood and college years as a fan of. She is smart, she is business-savvy, and she has definite GILF qualities. However, the problem is she’s is running on a platform to which I am totally against (except for her pro-midget policy – that reeks of awesomeness). How do I reconcile my complete distaste for her politics and my desire to see her husband do a DX crotch chop on the steps of the Capital?

When You’re Big, You Don’t Need A Nickname

Dear When You’re Big,

Ah yes, Connecticut. That’s that four-hour expanse of suburban ennui that I must endure while driving to New York, right? Sadly, I am familiar.

To me, your question is really about is growing up. And how much it sucks to be an adult.

You see, as adults we’re supposed to take things seriously. There are supposed to be “issues” that “matter” to us. We’re supposed to watch the news and furrow our brows at the state of the world and be all grumpy and concerned about shit. It’s boring and it sucks.

Furthermore, there’s no inherent value in it. Personally, I don’t watch or read the news. That’s right, I said it. For some reason, people find this infuriating about me. I often get into the following types of conversation…

Angry Person: What? You don’t follow the news?
Me: Nope.
Angry Person: Don’t you feel like you need to know what’s going on in the world?
Me: Not really, no. Why do I need to?
Angry Person: Because, you know, you should. You should know what’s going on.
Me: Why?
Angry Person: Because then you know.
Me: Okay, and then… what do I do with that knowledge?
Angry Person: You just… it’s good to know stuff.
Me: Why? What possible purpose does it serve?
Angry Person: If you know there’s a serial killer in your neighborhood, you could take extra precautions.
Me: To avoid getting serial killed?
Angry Person: Yes.
Me: You think I need the news to tell me how to avoid getting serial killed?
Angry Person: Sure.
Me: In general, I consider myself a pretty good serial-killer-avoider, with or without the help of Anderson Cooper.
Angry Person: Okay, what about international news? Don’t you think you should know about famines in Africa?
Me: And what will I do with that information?
Angry Person: So you can, you know, feel bad about it.
Me: So the goals of watching the news are to feel bad about famine and avoid getting serial killed?
Angry Person: Basically, yeah.
Me: Well, sign me up.
Angry Person: There’s also the weather.
Me: I can look out the window.
Angry Person: Fuck you, Brendan.
Me: No, fuck YOU, Mom! I curse the day I was ever born!

(What a twist, huh? I bet you didn’t think Angry Person was actually my mom, did you? That was positively Shyamalanian.)

ANYwho – I’m with you, WYB. I want to vote for the candidates who are going to provide me with the most entertainment value. The world of politics is just as much of a farce as pro wrestling. Are you telling me that Ann Coulter wouldn’t be the greatest pro wrestling villain of all time? Barney Frank could draw anti-gay heat that would make Adrian Adonis blush pink. And has anyone seen President Obama and The Rock in the same room together? If you smellllll what Barack is cooking…

Sadly, if Linda McMahon gets elected, she’s not going to do anything crazy. She’s going to pretend it all “matters” and government is serious business and blah blah blah. In other words, she’ll be no fun at all. Connecticut pro wrestling fans, save your “goofy” vote for the only true Rowdy Roddy Piper-esque wildman left in Washington: “Macho Man” Joe Lieberman.

Soundtrack To Your Misery: The Murder “Soldiers & Senators”

Yup. You just read that garbage. And you can’t unread it now. Want to convince Brendan of how wrong he is? Drop a line at or fill out our politically correct anonymous submission form below:

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