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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

November 10, 2010

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Brendan Boogie are his and his alone. They do not reflect the opinions of Boston Band Crush management, who don’t get the whole ‘Jim Belushi’ thing either.

Dear Boogie,
I recently met a guy who is basically the male version of me. We’re about equal in attractiveness. We have eerily similar jobs, senses of humor, and intelligence levels. Seems like a perfect match, right? Wrong, Boogie! Wrong!
Here’s the problem: we’re both in our mid-thirties. Just by the pure numbers of it, his value on the dating market is way higher than mine. Despite being equal in every way, he’s considered more of a catch. All of a sudden, I can’t compete. It’s bad enough that we make 25% less for the same job. Now we have to slum it with the dregs and the dodos while our male counterparts date way over their heads? Where is the justice?
Equal Rights Annie

Dear ERA,

First off, I think “The Dregs and the DoDos” would make a very good album title. More importantly, I think we need to back your crazy train up to the station for a second. Because you’re basing your entire romantic life on a few false assumptions.

There is no objective value in attraction. People may disagree with me on this one, but those people are wrong. Wrong!

Take a statement that seems to be common knowledge like “Guys like girls with big breasts.” This is simply not true. Some do, some don’t. And if you are a poor, wretched lady born without the blessing of big bazooms, how is this information of any use to you whatsoever? It doesn’t make sense to spend an ounce of energy on another person’s desires that don’t apply to you. It doesn’t matter. Giant racks and men’s supposed love of them is utterly irrelevant to your situation.

ERA, I don’t think you’re alone in this false belief that people have objective, universal value in attractiveness. People give each other numbers “She’s a 10, he’s a 5, she’s pi x the hypotenuse” etc. Just because you make something mathematical doesn’t make it any less bullshit. Yes, there are cultural standards of beauty and certain qualities (usually signifiers of health) seem to correlate with attraction on an evolutionary level. But even these vary wildly from culture to culture, species to species, person to person. There is no “scale” that applies to us all. Stop thinking in those terms. It’ll bring you nothing but misery. More than that, it’s completely illogical.

“But what about people who are obviously beautiful?” you may be asking. Yes, beautiful people exist. But what is beautiful to me may be ugly to you. I have a friend who has insisted for years that Tom Brady is “ugly.” She has stuck to this, dating even back before the current comical boy band hair debacle (I can’t figure out how, but I am completely convinced the Cleveland loss this week was somehow haircut-related). No, she even thought Brady was ugly back during the ’01 clean cut “aw shucks” version. Tom Brady! The man has 3 rings and a chin dimple to die for!

So the idea that any of us have more inherent value than others is sort of stupid. Everything is relative. ERA, you mentioned the numbers game. Yes, the numbers of available options seem to be skewed somewhat in the fellas’ direction as we get older. But again — how are you planning to use that information? What are you going to do – pick off a few of your fellow single women with a sniper rifle on a clock tower? You’ve just got to deal with the numbers as they are. It is what it is as the very handsome (to someone) Bill Bellichick often says.

As gross as it sounds, dating is a lot like advertising. Each one of us is pitching ourselves to a niche market. But many of us make a mistake by playing too much to the middle. If you think about it, we shouldn’t be trying to appeal to the MOST people. We’re should be trying to appeal to the RIGHT person. And how do you do this? By being the most “you” that you can be. The best way to weed out those that aren’t right for you is to be you as early and as often as possible.

On most of my first dates, I fully embrace this concept of weeding out by being the “real Brendan” right out of the gate. Between Taco Bellches, my companion is treated to a blow-by-blow account of the SummerSlam ’91 Intercontinental Title match between Bret “Hitman” Hart and Mr. Perfect. If she survives that, I spill Mountain Dew Red on her lap, make a few veiled threats toward the federal government, and then spend the rest of the night explaining to her why she’s wrong to like the show Entourage. At the end of the night, I surpass first base and go straight to left-center field. When she rejects me, I accuse her of being in the pocket of Big Tobacco and fart in the general direction of her favorite house plant. Hey, baby – this is the real me. I be keeping it REAL.

What’s that? Yeah, I’m still single. Why do you ask?

Soundtrack to your misery: Streight Angular “HOTTIES”

Agree? Disagree? Think Brendan is way hotter than pi? Shoot him an email at or fill out the sexypants anonymous submission form below:

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