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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

November 17, 2010
Disclaimer: the opinions expressed by Brendan Boogie do not necessarily reflect those of Boston Band Crush management. The opinions expressed by Brendan Boogie are also mostly pretty dumb.


A quick heads-up before I get to this week’s letter: This is the last one I’ve got in the tank, so please don’t be shy about filling out the completely anonymous submission form down at the bottom. Remember, this lovely little column depends on your stupid problems. Let’s get some dysfunction going, Boston! On to this week’s letter…

Dear Boogie,
My boyfriend and I have a debate going. What is the most embarrassing/annoying thing that couples do? He says it’s when they wear matching outfits. I contend it’s holding hands while grocery shopping, taking up the whole aisle. We need you as a tiebreaker vote, Boogs.


Sincerely,
Just Stop It, You’re Making Us All Cringe

Dear JSIYMUAC,

Oof – tougher call than you’d initially think. At first glance, it would seem that purposefully matching outfits with your boy/girlfriend has to be just about the most embarrassing thing an adult human can do. But turning the cereal aisle of Shaw’s into Inspiration Point is almost worse because of its subtlety and startling frequency. Also, it’s frowned upon by polite society to run people over with a shopping cart, so that adds to my general frustration level.

Why limit me to just two choices? Couples can induce cringes in a myriad of ways. So as a service, I have decided to go public with something my staff and I have been secretly working on in the lab for years now: the Official Brendan Boogie Couple Annoy-O-Meter. Now, we have an objective measure to scale how precisely embarrassing the things that lovey dovey couples do to make us all retch. Here are a few examples of recent data used to calibrate the scale:

Annoy-O-Meter score of 13.9: Telling people that you can’t watch a TV show because you’re saving it to watch as a couple.

Annoy-O-Meter score of 26.3: Answering the question “How are you doing?” with “We’re doing great.” (We? Do you have a frog in your pocket?)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 34.4: Assuming that when I invite you to do something, I’m also inviting your significant other. (“Football game followed by strip club followed by sperm donating? Sure, I’ll see if Bertha is available to come with us.”)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 41.6: Riding a bicycle built for two completely without irony. (True story: I actually had a couple on a bicycle built for two YELL at me for cutting them off in traffic. They called me an asshole. My response: “You’re riding a bicycle built for two!”)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 50.8: Keeping us all updated via facebook status on every one of your bi-weekly breakups and reconciliations. (We’re on the edges of our seats. Really.)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 53.3: Turning down 2004 Red Sox playoff tickets to go “leaf peeping” with your wife. (This will never be forgiven nor forgotten, Gordon.)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 64.7: Throwing a lame wedding. (Seriously – free food, open bar, music, dancing – how much of a dud do you have to be to blow this formula?)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 70.3: When asked if you like a food, saying “I don’t know. Honey, do I like this?” (Really? You’re that absorbed into another human being that you don’t know what food you like?)

Annoy-O-Meter score of 87.3: Never being apart. Ever. I’m sorry, but no one is that awesome. Not your girlfriend, not Tom Brady. No one.

Keep in mind that the Annoy-O-Meter is just a prototype. There is still much more testing to be done. But when we use the scale to answer your question, a couple that wears matching outfits as part of a concept-heavy Halloween costume scores a relatively low 13.4 on the Annoy-o-meter whereas matching outfits on any other of the 364 days jumps the score up to a 79.48. The arm-linked aisle blocking grocery store shenanigans come in at a respectable 58.7.

Science! I’m blinding you with it!

Soundtrack to your misery: The Daily Pravda “So In Love” http://widget.tunecore.com/swf/tc_run_h_v2.swf?widget_id=6107

Okay, we’re out of letters. If you want to continue to have your Wednesdays joyful, throw some fuel on this fire of funny by sending a letter to dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com or submitting via the completely anonymous form below:

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