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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

December 1, 2010
Disclaimer: the opinions expressed by Brendan Boogie do not necessarily reflect those of Boston Band Crush management or the judging panel of the 5th Annual Adrian Zmed Dance-a-like Contest who have once again unfairly banned Brendan from competing. Where’s the justice?


Dear Boogie,
What is your problem?
Sincerely,
Curious

Dear Curious,

Finally. After all these weeks and weeks of solving YOUR problems, someone has the kindness and compassion to ask about me for once. There is a single tear streaming down my wind-beaten cheek right now, Curious. Thank you, my friend.

My problem is that I have way too many problems. Far too many to mention. And now, I will mention them, in no particular order:

– I am genuinely confused when people say “no” to me. Not angry, just baffled.

– Everything electronic, digital, or mechanical that I touch immediately turns to a blinking, angry tangle of frustration and self-loathing.

– I can’t fall asleep at night unless I know in my heart that somewhere, a small child is suffering.

– I automatically assume that everyone that enjoys the show Entourage has had some sort of traumatic brain injury.

– I have an irrational but lingering suspicion that the fragile economy of Greece depends almost entirely on me satisfying my sexual partners.

– My garbage disposal stinks of cabbage and the heartbreak of lost hope.

– In my lifetime, I’m probably not going to see According To Jim: The Movie. The Belush’s greatness is the kind reserved for appreciation from later generations only.

– For some reason, the first draft of every song I write begins with the line “Choke on this justice, fella!”

– At my most recent physical, my doctor categorized my general health as somewhere between “84-year old with stage 4 bubonic plague” and “Tom Sizemore.”

– I’m a woman that loves too much.

As you can see, I’m not the godlike figure you make me out to be in your odes and your Play-doh statues. I’m just a human. I bleed like you. Mostly from the rectum. (Oh, I forgot to add that one to my list of problems. Non-stop rectal bleeding.)

Soundtrack to your misery: Eddie Japan “Let Me Bleed”

http://cache.reverbnation.com/widgets/swf/40/pro_widget.swf

Need to get that image out of your brain? Shoot Brendan and email at dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com or fill in the disease-free anonymous submission form below:

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2 Comments
  1. lol reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M17aG_Po2YNSFWBoogie is such a jerk. Glad someone brought this to light. More dear Boogies though plz.

  2. You, sir or ma'am, are my hero.

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