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It’s the Golden Unicorns!

December 30, 2010

Here we go with our second-annual Golden Unicorn Awards! Because we believe that everyone is the best at something! Please feel free to add your own in the comments section! Check out last year’s for added fun and excitement! More exclamation points!!!!

Best Addition Mattel Should Make to its Barbie Doll Line: Malibu Lou

Best ALF: Planetoid

Best Apiarists: Lady Lamb the Beekeeper / Annie and the Beekeepers/ Bell and the Bees (tie)

Best Arrest Report: Naked On Roller Skates

Best Band That Bad Company Closed For: Township

Best Bathrooms:

Best BBQ Host: The Bridge Sound & Stage

Best Cassette Revivalists: Girlfriends

Best Christmas Parties: Freezepop

Best Double-Necked Guitar: Noelle LeBlanc

Best Forced Band Name Change: Tijuana Sweetheart (from Vagiant)

Best Go-Go’s: The So-So’s

Best Growl: Jordan Tavenner (Blackbutton)

Best Hockey References: Michael Marotta / C.D. Di Guardia (tie)

Best Impression of Dan Nicklin: Brendan Boogie

Best In-Studio Shows: Mad Oak

Best Mirabella: Dave/Mike (tied, second year running!)

Best Name & Timeslot Change: Boston Accents with Dave Duncan

Best Newlywed Bandmates: Henry Beguiristain & Jen De La Osa

Best One-Named Mustachioed Dandy: Meff

Best Pick-Up Line: Hello Ninja

Best Place for a Polk Records Sticker: Any flat or semi-flat surface in the Greater Boston area

Best Place to Not Find a Seat: Toad / Plough & Stars (tie)

Best Reappearing Act: Luke Sullivan

Best Setting of the Bar at One Night Band: The Bedss’ “Steamroller”

Best Shopping Center: The Arsenal Mall

Best Simple Question That Will Probably Not Be Answered: What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?

Best Slumber Parties: Sleepover Shows

Best Space Exploration Program: Bearstronaut / Weisstronauts (tie)

Best Stutterers: Magic Magic, Viva Viva

Best Unit of Area: The Acre

Best Use for Dryer Sheets: Static of the Gods, Low Static Romance (tie)

Best Zack Attack: Bodega Girls

Biggest Chooches: Everyone in BrownBoot except Jordan Valentine

Chick Most Not To Fuck With: Lauren Flaherty

Greatest American Heroes: Oranjuly

Have Viola Will Travel: Beth Holub

Highest Concentration of Matts: The Backup Factor

Horniest: Paul Ahlstrand / Chris Barrett / Kevin Corzett (tie)

Most Awkward: Mary Flatley

Most Bewildering Cover Art: The Lights Out “Rock Pony”

Most Confused Animal: Bunny’s A Swine

Most Confusing Dual Name Spelling: Amy/Aimee McGrath at Rosebud

Most Convenient ’80s Action Movie Villains: The Russians

Most Deetentions: Jenny Dee & The Deelinquents

Most Impressive Crowd Navigation: The food runners at the Lizard Lounge when it’s packed

Most Obvious Masturbation Jokes: Left Hand Does

Most Painful Childbirth: Born of Fire

Run! Dance! Do stuff!: Action Verbs

Something about Star Wars: Brendan Haley / Jim Zavadoski

Worst Representation of Boston Musicians: The Sound Museum vandals

King of Pop: Brian E. King

Kings of Decadence: Bacchus Kings

Kings of Water Damage: Kingsley Flood

King of the RSL Shirt: Matt King

Most Gracious Hostage: Amanda Palmer
Most Uncooperative Prisoner: Sophia Cacciola

Best Snow: Heather Del Balso

Best Tom Petty: Emeen Zarookian

Best Soy Bomb: Mike Bishop / Justin Shapiro (tie)

Best Beck: Chaetan Newell

Most Persistent Thing in Your Facebook Feed: Kickstarter campaigns

Second Most Persistent Thing in Your Facebook Feed: Michael J. Epstein

Most Reasonably Priced Jacket Material: Cheap Leather

Best Leather: Tom Baker and Nicole Tammaro

Best Secret Keepers: Kerry and Carl Lavin

Worst Secret Keepers: Matt Girard and Veronica Dale

Best Driver: Ad Frank

Worst Driver: Sidewalk Driver

Best Wurst: Deep Ellum

Best Late-Night Pancakes: Sooz @ The Granitorium

Best Midnight Snack: Night Fruit

Best Monday Night Rock with a Side of Fries: Charlie’s Kitchen

Best Monday Night Rock with a Side of Hummus: Night of the Living Deadhead at ZuZu

Beefiest Thing to Snap Into: Slim Jim and the Mad Cows

Most Appropriate Band Member Workplace: Redbones – Blake from RIBS

Tastiest Donut with Questionable Mouthfeel: The Cinnamon Fuzz

Strangest Thing to Find In Your Fast Food Purchase: Sodafrog

Least Appropriate Occasion For A Fudgie The Whale Cake: The Birthday Suicide

Best Legendary Cocktail: Great Scott’s Will Clark

Best Beer You Pretty Much Never Have to Pay For: Narragansett

Best Addition of a Stage: Rosebud

Best Relocation of a Stage: Paradise Rock Club

Best Graceful Exit: Sun Lee Sunbeam

Best Triumphant Return: Sheila Divine

Most Exciting Comeback to the Future in 2011: Campaign for Real-Time

Best Layover: John Powhida International Airport

Most Missed: Kevin Hoskins, Christopher Pappas, Billy Hubbard, Father Abraham

Best Drum Face: Dennis McCarthy (Sunday Saints/Port Charles Quintet)

Best Guitar Face: Doug Sherman (Gozu)

Best Bass Face: Lisa Libera (Muy Cansado)

Filthiest Mouth: Kerri-Ann Richard / Leesa Coyne / the cast of Quiet Desperation (tie)

Filthiest Convoy: Dirty Truckers

Filthiest Explosives: Dirty Bombs

Filthiest Flatware: Dirty Dishes

Best Sea Captain: Jeff Vachon (Thunderchunk)

Most Committed Sailor Tattoo: Full Body Anchor

Best Place to Be Shipwrecked: One Happy Island

Best Revolutionaries: Boston Typewriter Orchestra

Most Imposing Threat: The Battleships Cometh

Least Imposing Threat: Lenny Lashley’s Gang Of One

Best Final Battle: Jack Burton vs. David Lo Pan

Best Beard: Noel Coakley

Best Afro: Stu Dietz / Alan Levesque (tie)

Best Jumpsuits: Banditas

Best Cargo Shorts: The Rationales

Biggest Shoes: Anngelle Wood

Most Potentially Quiet Bill: Michael J. Epstein Memorial Library, The Hush Now, Silent Century

Band That Should Crash Aforementioned Show: Mystery Roar

Best Spontaneous Dance Parties: Mellow Bravo

Best Slow Dancers: This Blue Heaven

Best Kissers: [see Richard Bouchard to apply]

Best Extracurricular Activity: Gem Club

Most Rockingest School Subject: Math the Band

Most Rockingest Key on your Computer Keyboard: TAB the Band

Best Band That Shares Its Name With a Movie Starring One of Those Culkin Kids: Mean Creek

Best Band That Shares Its Name With a Movie Starring Christian Slater: CUFFS

Best Christian Slater: CoralCola

Best Band that Shares Its Name With the Girl in Some Kind of Wonderful That He Was In Love With All Along, He Just Didn’t Know It: Watts

Best Adjective To Describe The Rolling Stones’ Singer: Jaggery

Best Dance Moves Simliar to The Rolling Stones’ Singer: Jim Zavadoski

Most Holy: St Claire / St Helena / Jordan Valentine & the Sunday Saints / Pray for Polanski

Best Jesus Freaks: TheyWillHateUs

Biggest Fan: John Ryan Gallagher

Biggest Gong: Tommy Somerville

Biggest Kidney: Evan Crisman

Biggest Monkey: Walter Sickert

Smallest Squeezebox: Edrie Edrie

Tiniest Hat: Tad McKitterick

Leave a comment and tell us what your band (or your favorite band) is best at. You’re all the best in our book.

One Comment
  1. My ascot, moustache, and mononym thank you.

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