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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

February 16, 2011
Disclaimer: The advice provided by Brendan Boogie does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Boston Band Crush management. Also, Brendan missed his deadline so we’re comin atcha late this week. Listen, you get what you pay for.

Dear Boogie,
What’s the stupidest mistake you’ve seen a musician make on stage? Also, do you have any embarrassing gig experiences you’d like to share? And, finally, could you provide a brief synopsis of quantum physics in terms of its potential application in the field of proboscis monkey neurology? Or just answer the first two questions?
Sincerely,
Trapped In Terrible Snow

Dear TITS,

Heh heh… tits.

Let’s see, the stupidest mistake I’ve ever seen on stage… well, I saw a guy get engaged on stage once. Sure, it doesn’t seem that dumb at first, but I heard this rumor that if it doesn’t work out, she gets half his stuff. Seriously. Gets paid for breaking off a romantic relationship. I mean, it’s probably not true, but can you imagine?

As far as embarrassing gig experiences, I was sadly born without the shame gene so I am physically incapable of being embarrassed. However, my favorite embarrassing on-stage story comes from my friend and fellow bass monster 12-Gauge who shall now take it away:

“So I playing a gig at the Westin with my cover band – a fundraiser type of thing. During ‘All Right Now,’ there’s no bass for the first minute of the song, but there are loud wood blocks. So, I always go out and get a girl to come up and dance on stage with me. The choice this time was obvious as there was this girl wearing a short black dress, shag haircut just dancing like crazy in front of us. So, I invite her up and asked her name and gave her the woodblocks. The thing that was weird was that normally the girl’s friends are all like ‘Wooooo! Go Mary!’ But there was none of that this time. Silence from the audience.

So the song starts and she is all up on me. I mean, ALL up on me. Grinding into me sideways… back ways… all sorts of inappropriate. And I’m all like, ‘OK, yeah!’ having fun with it. Again, the crowd usually screams ‘Wooooo!’ at things like this, but they were eerily silent this time. The song ends and as she goes off stage I announce ‘Let’s hear it for Christina (or whatever).’ Once again, an unusually modest smattering of applause.

So at the end of the show, she comes over with this older woman who is clearly her mother. And I get my first good look at her face and I realize that something is… off. The mother says something like, ‘Christina would like to say something to you… go ahead, honey.’

‘Um….. Your vewy good at da guitah.’

That’s when I realized the truth: I had just spent an entire song allowing a mentally retarded girl grind on me while a horrified audience looked on. At a charity event. And everyone knew but me. My proudest moment.”

Now, I’m pretty sure 12-Gauge wins, but if you can beat him in the embarrassing onstage story department, hit me up at dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com. Best entry gets published next week and wins a prize or something. (I’m pretty sure I have the authority to do that.)

Soundtrack to your misery: Eldridge Rodriguez “The Shame of the Scene”

Okay, so this week’s column wasn’t “advice” in the strictest sense. But how long was Brendan supposed to sit on a story like that? Keep the problems a-comin’ by sending an email to dearboogie@bostonbandcrush.com or filling out the handy dandy anonymous submission form below:

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