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Advice Crush: Dear Boogie

March 9, 2011
Disclaimer: The advice provided by Brendan Boogie does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Boston Band Crush management. This message is brought to you by the Egg Council.

Dear Boogie,
I’m supposed to be studying for an exam, but I’m reading Dear Boogie instead.
Is there any way I can get college credit for reading your column? In lieu of that, perhaps you could write me some kind of excuse note? You know, like the ones Micheal J. Epstein’s mother used to write in Welcome Back Kotter. Or perhaps that was Welcome Back Mustache… I’m getting confused. I need to lie down.
Too Old For College

Dear TOFC,

Credit for reading Dear Boogie? Why not? There seems to be college credit being given out for all sorts of wacky things these days. (Go ahead and read the article. I’ll be here when you get back.)

Understandably, many folks are disturbed by a live sex demonstration in a college classroom. I’m not so much offended by a live sex demonstration in a college classroom as I am struck by this thought: college is dumb.

Let’s get a little mathy, shall we? Tuition at Northwestern University is $39,840. That’s $19,920 per semester. If the average student takes four courses per semester, that means this particular Human Sexuality class cost each student $4980. So these poor suckers had to pay almost five grand to watch a woman be penetrated with a sex toy. Hmmm… where else could you see a woman get penetrated with a sex toy? Maybe in your inbox? Or at least your spam filter? For absolutely free? What’s next – a college course in how to help a Nigerian prince reclaim his fortune? College is for chumps.

Higher education is the biggest scam going today. I was not immune to it. I shelled out a bunch of cash for a brand name education that was horrible and useless. Let’s see – what did I do at college? Play in bands, host a radio show, direct theater, and watch movies. Yup – no way I could have done any of THOSE things without going into six figure debt. The single saddest day of my life was when they sat me down and told me how much I had to repay in loans. It was like being told I had to make 48 montly payments for a shitty half-cooked burger that I already ate.

My advice? Just say no to big name college, kids. Politicians love to talk about education, education, education. Quite frankly, I’m against it. (I can just see my campaign poster: “Education: I’m Against It!”) Especially not if you’re planning on studying the arts. I once met a guy who told me he spent four years at a high-priced college studying guitar. I probably laughed for twenty minutes straight. You sure there wasn’t something more productive you could have spent that 150 grand on? Like making records or touring or paying for publicists or management? I mean, I’m sure your guitar professor was fucking awesome, but my cousin Hector is really good at guitar and he works at a Jiffy Lube.

Brand-name colleges are just like brand-name anything. You’re paying for the label. Don’t be a chump. If you must go to college, have the good sense to go to a state school for undergrad. No one in the real world gives a shit what you did from ages 18 to 21, so you might as well not mortgage your future for the name on the label.

Unless you’re going to clown college. That shit is totally worth it.

Soundtrack to your misery (Sorry – I couldn’t help it):

Got your pencil? Need something to write on? Drop Brendan a line at or fill out our scholarly anonymous submission form below:

One Comment
  1. No, your mom! (The poster, not you Boogie.)

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