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Advice Crush: Bye Bye Boogie

April 27, 2011

Disclaimer: The advice provided by Brendan Boogie does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Boston Band Crush management. In the immortal words of Boyz II Men: it’s so haaaaaard to say goodbyyyyye to yesterdaaaaaaEEEEEEE!

Dear Boogie:

I hope you can help. I’ve been thinking about this situation and what to do for weeks and weeks now. Here’s the scoop: I relocated to Boston from Texas a few years ago and absolutely love my new home here. A few months before I moved, I began casually seeing someone; when I left town, we agreed to keep the affair open ended. We crossed paths frequently in our travels and made special trips to visit one other. He’s a fantastic person – generous, intelligent, inquisitive, entertaining – and over the years taught me a considerable amount about communication and relationships. I’ve always considered him the ‘perfect on paper’ guy – mostly, that translated into really wonderful times spent together but over the course of time, I got claustrophobic with what seemed to be turning into an exclusive, yet long distance relationship. Each time I felt overwhelmed with the situation, he was patient with me and would find a compromise so that we could keep seeing each other, despite my fear of commitment and the distance in between us. Once, we had a falling out and didn’t speak for three months. I missed him horribly and contacted him and we were able to open up the communication lines. Last summer, he spent vacation with my friends and I on the Cape and everyone loved him . . . . everyone but me. I treated him poorly and, while we had a good time, I ruined what could have been incredible with a bad attitude based in fear. After the vacation, our chats and emails faded and he started staying in hotels when he visits Boston rather than with me. Here’s my dilemma: We haven’t been speaking for a few months. I want him back in my life, at least as a friend, if not more. How should I contact him? Can I show him that I appreciate his previous efforts, that I “get it” now when I didn’t before? I still have some fear of commitment but I know that my chances of success with him are great and that at least trying would be fantastic rather than letting my fear of failure hold me back.

Ready and Willing

Dear RAW,

Too late, Vampira. You already sucked this one dry. Move on to another fresh vein. It is time to leave this poor guy alone.

During the violence that we call “dating,” it would be nice to think that we are always the victims, the ones taking all the lumps. But the reality is that most of us dish out just as much damage as we take. Most of it is unintentional, for sure. Our meaning is always good. But no matter how experienced we get, we’re all learning as we go. As we discover our fears and limits and scars, we’re bound to leave a few bodies in our wake. It’s all part of the game. Don’t get in the ring unless you’re ready to rumble.

RAW, you’re not a bad person. You’re a human being like the rest of us. And so I hereby officially forgive you for taking as long as you did to “figure things out.” Let’s face it – it’s probably all your dad’s fault anyway. But this poor guy is an abused dog at this point. I’m sure he would probably come back for more if you asked him. Do the kind, unselfish thing and let him go. He doesn’t need you as a friend. He needs you to go the fuck away so he can move on with his life. Integrate all the wonderful things you learned about yourself from him and move forward to someone who looks at you with fresh eyes, not blackened ones from being your emotional punching bag for the last several years. Sometimes, you have to have the courage to be the bad guy. Let him hate you and thus get over you.

Speaking of letting go, I am sad to say that this will be my final Dear Boogie here on Boston Band Crush. BBC and I are going our separate ways – they will continue to provide the best coverage of Boston’s coolest music while I will concentrate my full time on making tacos and then eating said tacos. It’s been a wonderful year and a half or so of answering your questions here on Boston Band Crush. I am eternally grateful to Ashley, Richard, and the rest of the BBC family for giving me the opportunity to connect with so many of you in this unique and intimate way. I enjoyed every moment of it. Don’t be afraid to keep in touch ( and If you need advice, drop me a line. I’ll never turn away a sucker in need.

As I was preparing this final column, I read through a bunch of the old ones and (much to my surprise) I found a sort of running theme with the letters you sent me. Whether it is in love or music or life, you all seem to be running into the most trouble while spending energy on things you can’t control – your boyfriend not wanting to get serious, your bandmates not agreeing with your artistic vision, bookers not booking you, writers not writing about you, lovers not loving you, etc. etc. etc. If you want to be happy, you’ve really got to cut that shit out. We have influence over exactly one thing in our life: our efforts. The results of our efforts? Not so much. Want to be as blissfull as your buddy Boogie? I’ve got the answer for your in a few easy steps. I’ll wait while you get a pencil. Ok, here goes:

1. Make a list of all important the things in your life.
2. Put them into two columns: Things I Can Control and Things I Can’t.
3. Repeat with everything that comes along.

If you’re spending the majority of your energy on things in the first column, everything else is gravy. It’s just that simple. Seacrest OUT!

Soundtrack to your misery: Taxpayer “Gifts With Strings Attached”

One Comment
  1. Nice one.

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